one year ago today was the last full day of my pregnancy with you. i cannot believe that tomorrow we’ll be celebrating your first birthday – i can’t believe that you’ve already been in my life for a year, i can’t believe that you weren’t here always. as we approach this milestone i find myself thinking back over the last year, wanting to hold on to every moment forever.
the first few days after we brought you home were the most precious days of my life. it was hot, so so so hot and humid, and most of the time you only wore a diaper. your lack of clothes marked the fact that you were still making the transition from life as a fetus inside of my body to life as a fully formed person in the outside world. daddy and i took turns holding you, soaking in your sweet smell and the feeling of your velvety skin, and loving your girl-ness (we had both hoped that our baby would be a girl and, while we would have loved a son, were thrilled beyond measure to learn after months of waiting that we did indeed have a daughter). we held your tiny hands in ours, stroked the bottoms of your feet, and memorized the sound of your breath and the shape of your face. you had your daddy’s eyes and his fingers and toes, and my nose and ears. at different moments we each found ourselves in tears, overcome at how perfect you were and at the intensity of the love we felt for you.
several weeks passed in a state of milky bliss. you and i spent hours on the couch every day – you would nurse and then fall asleep in my lap and i would sit and watch you as you slept. the love i felt for you was so sweet and so pure, it completed my soul. i loved nursing you, loved that through such a simple act i could simultaneously meet your physical needs for nutrition and your emotional needs for love and comfort. you worked so hard at nursing, your earnest and focused little eyes barely visible under the curve of my breast, and your hard work at the beginning has paid off ever since in our easy nursing relationship and my plentiful supply of milk.
the months started to pass more and more quickly as you began to grow and change. apart from a brief period of fussiness when daddy and i had a hard time figuring out how to soothe you, you have been a remarkably good-natured baby. you are not meek or mild, though – we have learned that your easy-going temperament is the backdrop for an intense focus and a fiercely determined spirit. right from the very beginning, you have been intent on observing the world around you and taking in as much as you can. your quick and easy arrival into the world, a week past your due date, was, in retrospect, representative of the kind of person you are: you will not be rushed, you will do things at your own pace and on your own schedule, and when you do them you will do them fully and just the way you think they should be done (in this way you are so much like your father, heaven help me!). you have very clear ideas about what you want to do, and are beginning to voice your displeasure – loudly! – when you are thwarted. i feel sympathy for you when you get upset and frustrated, imagining how hard it must be to have ideas you can’t communicate and desires you’re not yet physically capable of realizing, but at the same time, your shows of temper make me smile. i am so glad to have a daughter who knows her own mind, and it is thrilling to watch you begin to discover it for yourself.
mostly, the joy you’ve brought me over this last year has been about you – watching you learn and grow and master new skills fills my heart to bursting, and nothing on earth makes me happier than the sound of your laughter. but selfishly, i also appreciate the fact that you have helped me become the person i’ve always wished i could be. i worry less; i smile and laugh a lot more. instead of spending my time in a state of anxiety about what the future might hold, i am fully engaged in the present. i live in the moment, now, because that is where you are, and i don’t want to miss a thing.
being your mother is the greatest joy and greatest privilege of my life. thank you for choosing me.
love, mama
_
